by Neville G. Martin
O'l fog is rollin across Magness in the early morn, like slow syrup on a hot pancake.
It won't be long before the Swan join the Canadians for a winter rest near Wilburn.
Far away from the deep snow, ice and sleet.
Started out with three as guest for the winter a decade or so ago.
Last year a lad of nine counted at least a hundred sixty three.
Takes a lot of deer corn to keep hungry Swan in vittles on Magness Lake.
Come see, some frosty morn soon, after your pancakes are consumed.
And don't forget the deer corn, as the hungry Swan are bout due for first landing.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Hardware Store
by Neville G. Martin
With a big smile he said, "May I help you".
"Yes, I need a can of flat black spray paint, a 3/8 inch dowel rod, 6 bolts - 1/2 inch by 3 inch, and a 10 inch file".
He proceeded to lead me through the isles where I picked out the paint, the bolts, and the dowel rod. He was back at the cash register ringing up my items. " That will be ".
"Wait a minute" I said " we didn't get the file".
"We don't carry files". "You will have to go to Staples or Office Depot for that".
I said "This is a hardware store isn't it".
"Yes it is, and we do not carry files".
I said, "you don't understand, I need a 10 inch bastard file".
"We do not carry files and I do not appreciate your language".
Not to give up easy, I asked, "Where are your axes"?
When we arrived at the axes, I said, " I need something to sharpen one of these".
He then lead me to the sharpening stones.
Next to the stones were the files. I found the drawer I needed and asked what these things were called.
He read the label and sheepishly said, "These are 10 inch bastard files".
"No kidding", I said.
With a big smile he said, "May I help you".
"Yes, I need a can of flat black spray paint, a 3/8 inch dowel rod, 6 bolts - 1/2 inch by 3 inch, and a 10 inch file".
He proceeded to lead me through the isles where I picked out the paint, the bolts, and the dowel rod. He was back at the cash register ringing up my items. " That will be ".
"Wait a minute" I said " we didn't get the file".
"We don't carry files". "You will have to go to Staples or Office Depot for that".
I said "This is a hardware store isn't it".
"Yes it is, and we do not carry files".
I said, "you don't understand, I need a 10 inch bastard file".
"We do not carry files and I do not appreciate your language".
Not to give up easy, I asked, "Where are your axes"?
When we arrived at the axes, I said, " I need something to sharpen one of these".
He then lead me to the sharpening stones.
Next to the stones were the files. I found the drawer I needed and asked what these things were called.
He read the label and sheepishly said, "These are 10 inch bastard files".
"No kidding", I said.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Second Best
by Neville G. Martin
Girl Scout cookie time will be here again before you know it.
It's the time when your neighborhood will be inundated with little Brownies knocking on your door saying " you don't want to buy any cookies, Do You?"
You will not be able to go to the mall or a Wal-Mart without being attacked by hordes of Girl Scouts shouting "these are the best" or "no, these are the best".
Put them in their place. Tell them you will buy some, but you do not want the best. Tell them you want the second best.
You will be met with strange silence and deep thought.
It will not take long, one of them will soon speak up with "these are pretty good".
That is the box you buy.
Support the Scouts, because the ACLU will not.
Girl Scout cookie time will be here again before you know it.
It's the time when your neighborhood will be inundated with little Brownies knocking on your door saying " you don't want to buy any cookies, Do You?"
You will not be able to go to the mall or a Wal-Mart without being attacked by hordes of Girl Scouts shouting "these are the best" or "no, these are the best".
Put them in their place. Tell them you will buy some, but you do not want the best. Tell them you want the second best.
You will be met with strange silence and deep thought.
It will not take long, one of them will soon speak up with "these are pretty good".
That is the box you buy.
Support the Scouts, because the ACLU will not.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Numbers Racket
I have lived in a state that does not have gambling, except for the horse track in Hot Springs, the dog track at West Memphis and shortly the lottery state wide. The horse track and dog track doesn't really count as gambling because they were already here before gambling started, whatever that means.
Gambling is gambling. You put your money down and you lose. The house wins and the State wins. Rare is the gambler that wins, that actually gets ahead and stays ahead.
The lottery has been proposed and voted down a couple of times in this state, but it was like gambling. The lottery people kept proposing until they won. They only needed to win once and they won. The losses didn't count. That one win and we have a lottery.
The lottery used to be called the numbers racket, and it was not legal. People were sent to jail for running a numbers racket. Now the numbers racket is run by the states. That makes it legal for some reason, but it is still the numbers racket.
The lottery is coming to our state later this September and perhaps it should properly be called the Arkansas Numbers Racket.
Gambling is gambling. You put your money down and you lose. The house wins and the State wins. Rare is the gambler that wins, that actually gets ahead and stays ahead.
The lottery has been proposed and voted down a couple of times in this state, but it was like gambling. The lottery people kept proposing until they won. They only needed to win once and they won. The losses didn't count. That one win and we have a lottery.
The lottery used to be called the numbers racket, and it was not legal. People were sent to jail for running a numbers racket. Now the numbers racket is run by the states. That makes it legal for some reason, but it is still the numbers racket.
The lottery is coming to our state later this September and perhaps it should properly be called the Arkansas Numbers Racket.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Headache
All of us have had a headache or have heard the expression, "I have a headache". Someone saying " I have a headache" does not convey any real sense of severity or pain. " I have a bad headache, also doesn't adequately describe the problem. In today's language "bad" can mean "good". Headaches can be used as excuses by some, just to get out of doing things.
I have found a more accurate description of headaches can be made by utilizing colors to describe most common headaches. Warning: These should not be used by men that are color blind.
A Light Pink Headache is one in which you think you feel a headache, but can forget it if you have something to do. This type of headache does not require medication.
A Blue Headache is one in which you definitely feel it. It really does not require medication and you can still work without distraction.
A Brown Headache is one in which you feel it all the time, it can be taken care of with two aspirins. Often slows you down a little. The cause is usually mild stress at work or someone at home.
A Green Headache means you are getting or have a cold. May be used as an excuse to take a day off work. Requires medication.
A Dark Green Headache means you are in severe pain, will require medication and three days bed rest. Very severe head colds, cramps, or the flu accompanies it. You are sick.
A Black Headache means it is almost too late. Many people have not survived a black headache. May require intensive hospitalization and treatment. Usually associated with severe beatings or muggings.
I have found a more accurate description of headaches can be made by utilizing colors to describe most common headaches. Warning: These should not be used by men that are color blind.
A Light Pink Headache is one in which you think you feel a headache, but can forget it if you have something to do. This type of headache does not require medication.
A Blue Headache is one in which you definitely feel it. It really does not require medication and you can still work without distraction.
A Brown Headache is one in which you feel it all the time, it can be taken care of with two aspirins. Often slows you down a little. The cause is usually mild stress at work or someone at home.
A Green Headache means you are getting or have a cold. May be used as an excuse to take a day off work. Requires medication.
A Dark Green Headache means you are in severe pain, will require medication and three days bed rest. Very severe head colds, cramps, or the flu accompanies it. You are sick.
A Black Headache means it is almost too late. Many people have not survived a black headache. May require intensive hospitalization and treatment. Usually associated with severe beatings or muggings.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Other Side of Nowhere
One day in November, I checked into the Dunes Motel in Valentine, Nebraska.
The Fur Trappers Association had just checked out. They had their convention in room 114 and a few of the nearby rooms. Somebody had spilled something somewhere. You could smell it. The motel owners could smell it and they want to clean it up, but don't know exactly where it is. They think it is in or near room 114, maybe.
The Fur Trappers met here for two days of discussions, demo's and a little drinking. I don't know exactly what they were demonstrating, but there is a strong lingering odor of skunk in the air. Or perhaps the women of the Fur Trappers Association have a strong attraction for "wild things perfume".
This year it is predicted to be a very cold winter and all the furry critters are expected to grow a good quality of furry coats.
I think the reason the Fur Trappers met in Valentine is they perhaps are not welcome in the big cities of Omaha, Lincoln or North Platte. After this year they are not welcome in Valentine either.
Next year they may have to meet in an RV park. At least then the smell will have a place to vent and not linger around.
Some things I noticed upon entering this territory is the short windmills, every driveway has a windsock and there was a sign on the highway that said you are entering the middle of nowhere.
For those of you that don't know (city folk), windmills are used out west to pump drinking water out of the ground to water the livestock. Livestock in this part of Nebraska generally means cows.
There are 2000 people that live in Valentine and 800,000 plus cattle. Cattle need a lot of water to drink. Windmills need a lot of wind to pump the water.
Nebraska has a lot of wind, close to the ground, it's blowing.
I guess the windsock in the driveway is to tell you when it isn't blowing, which isn't often.
Yes, Valentine Nebraska really is on the other side of the middle of nowhere.
The Fur Trappers Association had just checked out. They had their convention in room 114 and a few of the nearby rooms. Somebody had spilled something somewhere. You could smell it. The motel owners could smell it and they want to clean it up, but don't know exactly where it is. They think it is in or near room 114, maybe.
The Fur Trappers met here for two days of discussions, demo's and a little drinking. I don't know exactly what they were demonstrating, but there is a strong lingering odor of skunk in the air. Or perhaps the women of the Fur Trappers Association have a strong attraction for "wild things perfume".
This year it is predicted to be a very cold winter and all the furry critters are expected to grow a good quality of furry coats.
I think the reason the Fur Trappers met in Valentine is they perhaps are not welcome in the big cities of Omaha, Lincoln or North Platte. After this year they are not welcome in Valentine either.
Next year they may have to meet in an RV park. At least then the smell will have a place to vent and not linger around.
Some things I noticed upon entering this territory is the short windmills, every driveway has a windsock and there was a sign on the highway that said you are entering the middle of nowhere.
For those of you that don't know (city folk), windmills are used out west to pump drinking water out of the ground to water the livestock. Livestock in this part of Nebraska generally means cows.
There are 2000 people that live in Valentine and 800,000 plus cattle. Cattle need a lot of water to drink. Windmills need a lot of wind to pump the water.
Nebraska has a lot of wind, close to the ground, it's blowing.
I guess the windsock in the driveway is to tell you when it isn't blowing, which isn't often.
Yes, Valentine Nebraska really is on the other side of the middle of nowhere.
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